if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
this boner is exhausting
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
