why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
