Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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