That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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