Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
