You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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