I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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