It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
