i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
