Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
