I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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