I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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