Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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