The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
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Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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