I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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