Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So gin and wine won't be happening again
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.