Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options