i was born a porn star she said
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.