I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
