I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
