Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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