I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
