the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
