Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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