i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
