Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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