I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
