tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
