Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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