I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
