as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the day after is always just damage control
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
