I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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