what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
