break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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