I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
