I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How does one acquire holy water?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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