Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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