"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
