the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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