i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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