Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
