just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
