This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
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I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
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I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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