The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
