Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my being single is dangerous.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
