i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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