somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
