When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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