I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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