you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
