It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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