well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
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i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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