The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
