bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
People in love make me want to vomit
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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