The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I smell stomach acid.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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