I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
