I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
