i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
