glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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